Early Sunday morning, the Lord gave me a dream. I always know when the Lord inspires my dreams, because the presence of the Holy Spirit is with me. There is no darkness that can overshadow me; the GLORY of the Lord overcomes the darkness.
Over the past several months, the man in me has resisted the Holy Spirit for no other reason but to allow the darkness in this world to overshadow him. I compare it to the world overshadowing the moon during a lunar eclipse, blocking out the light of the sun. My soul was strong, but my spirit weak. I suppressed the work of the Holy Spirit in my own life and I doubted our past encounters with one another.
The enemy worked hard to distract me. I moved my eyes away from Jesus, and set my eyes on the world. All the hate, violence, deceit, pain, scandal, death, injustice, murder, terror, abortion of innocent lives, sexual confusion spreading like wildfire in our culture, the destruction of God-given gender and gender roles in the family, family divisions and the enemy in the world has seemed so strong. This shift in my focus made God seem so weak and so small. I lost my hope and joy for a time, and skepticism became my friend. While I hid it from my friends and family well, my wife knew I was struggling, and perhaps even my children too.
I have always struggled with superhero syndrome. I want to save the world. Knowing I cannot save the world makes me feel hopeless and helpless. Joy is quickly stripped away when our focus is obscured and shifted. I understand God saved the world through Jesus, but why has he allowed such darkness to rule for so long? Why has he allowed another child to be born and another child to die? Why did he respond in the times of Noah, but chooses to wait in the times of today? Why did he destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, but allows the modern world to live on? I felt the spirit of doubt and atheism creep up inside me, and to be transparent, it frightened me.
But God. He was gentle with me. He was understanding. I do not fully understand why, but He remained faithful when I was unfaithful. I had secretly hoped he might either fix my heart or strike me down. I had also hoped he might discipline me for my doubts, anger and frustration toward...well, him. I thought that if he did this, that would prove he was paying attention. As God revealed himself to Job, I had hoped he might shout back at me in the storm, revealing his power and then I might know he truly cares; a selfish thought, I know. While I was angry at him, I was also very angry with myself and ashamed. Part of me believed that every prior encounter with God was simply my imagination, but part of me felt sad that I might allow such a thought actually enter my mind. Yes, I was very ashamed, but the anger did not pass.
But God. Through his tender Holy Spirit, God reminded me, “My sheep hear my voice, Matthew. Can you hear my voice? I know them, and they follow me. Are you following me?” I ignored this time and time again. Yes, I heard his voice, but I kept pushing it off as my own mind reflecting upon scripture memorization. The voice did not stop. For several weeks, I would randomly hear the same question ring through my mind and heart, “My sheep hear my voice, Matthew. Can you hear my voice? I know them, and they follow me. Follow me, Matthew.”
I have had several conversations with my wife. She also has been loving and patient with me. However, she has also been direct and truthful with me. “You have your eyes on the wrong thing, Matthew. Shift your focus. In comparison to God’s light, the darkness cannot overcome.” She said. “Have you asked God why he does what he does? Have you asked him why he is taking so long? The Holy Spirit wants us to ask those kinds of questions too. Ask God to give you his eyes. Ask God to help you see people the way he sees them.” While talking with my wife about this odd mid-life spiritual crisis, I know she prayed over me and for me.
In my frustration and anger toward the people of this earth, toward the church and toward God, I felt no love in my heart for people in general. I also felt skepticism toward my faith. I felt so angry that so much evil had been able to go on for so long seemingly unpunished. When people say, “God has not returned, because there are so many people who he loves, but they do not know him," I often think to myself, “Yes, but he also allows the earth to keep on going. People are still being born. If this were the final generation, I could understand that thought. But with each new birth, there is another opportunity for people to reject him.” Yes, I know my thoughts may seem blasphemous to some, but I am being honest about how I felt.
I could also go on and on about how furious I have been with the “so called” church. Yes, we are imperfect people, but that does not give us the right to continue living in our sin, or accept our state of sin for that matter! Yes, the scripture says that when sin abounds, grace increases all the more. But this should not be a pretext for remaining where we once were, or remaining where we are! That is a slap in our Savior's face! In condoning sin in our own lives and in the life of the church, we are leading his little ones down a very wide path in the name of grace. Jesus prayed, “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” But unity and love are the least of these in the “so called” church!
In my anger, I cried out to God, “How is the end near? How am I to believe what you have promised when all I see is evil and hate? How am I to trust when the church is not unified in love as you once prayed? Your glory cannot be seen in her! The church is full of sin and full of weak Christians! She is made up of weak people who have distorted your word and your truth for selfish gain and personal motives!”
“Matthew, are you without sin? You do not see, because your faith is weak. You do not hear, because you have covered your ears. You do not trust, because you do not follow me. You do not see, because you have taken your eyes off of me.”
I had prayed for God to help me see. I asked him for his eyes. I had not fully turned away from my skepticism, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to trust. I wanted to see. I wanted to love. I wanted my joy back. I wanted my hope back.
Early Sunday morning, February 10, 2018, the Lord gave me a dream. I was in the Spirit, hovering over a bald white man. He was average looking, but strong in stature. The man was praying, but what I realized was that I too was praying through the man. Our voices were as one; our words were in unison as one. The man’s prayer was for the young men, the youth, of this generation. We were praying as one in voice for the hearts, minds, bodies and souls of the young men of this generation.
The room was full of young men, teenagers and preteen boys. They too were praying for strength in character and Godly wisdom. We pleaded with God that he might raise up a generation belonging to him alone; a generation that might not bend a knee to the prince of this world or eat of his toxic fruit. The room was full of light and the Spirit of the Lord was there with us.
I was then in a moment taken to another room. This room was dark, and on the left and right slept two young women. In the middle was a beautiful middle aged black woman; her dark hair was full and flowing with thick ringlet curls. She was singing a song with all her heart, but what I realized is that the song was my song too. I was singing through her and our voices were one. We sang this song:
Over the past several months, the man in me has resisted the Holy Spirit for no other reason but to allow the darkness in this world to overshadow him. I compare it to the world overshadowing the moon during a lunar eclipse, blocking out the light of the sun. My soul was strong, but my spirit weak. I suppressed the work of the Holy Spirit in my own life and I doubted our past encounters with one another.
The enemy worked hard to distract me. I moved my eyes away from Jesus, and set my eyes on the world. All the hate, violence, deceit, pain, scandal, death, injustice, murder, terror, abortion of innocent lives, sexual confusion spreading like wildfire in our culture, the destruction of God-given gender and gender roles in the family, family divisions and the enemy in the world has seemed so strong. This shift in my focus made God seem so weak and so small. I lost my hope and joy for a time, and skepticism became my friend. While I hid it from my friends and family well, my wife knew I was struggling, and perhaps even my children too.
I have always struggled with superhero syndrome. I want to save the world. Knowing I cannot save the world makes me feel hopeless and helpless. Joy is quickly stripped away when our focus is obscured and shifted. I understand God saved the world through Jesus, but why has he allowed such darkness to rule for so long? Why has he allowed another child to be born and another child to die? Why did he respond in the times of Noah, but chooses to wait in the times of today? Why did he destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, but allows the modern world to live on? I felt the spirit of doubt and atheism creep up inside me, and to be transparent, it frightened me.
But God. He was gentle with me. He was understanding. I do not fully understand why, but He remained faithful when I was unfaithful. I had secretly hoped he might either fix my heart or strike me down. I had also hoped he might discipline me for my doubts, anger and frustration toward...well, him. I thought that if he did this, that would prove he was paying attention. As God revealed himself to Job, I had hoped he might shout back at me in the storm, revealing his power and then I might know he truly cares; a selfish thought, I know. While I was angry at him, I was also very angry with myself and ashamed. Part of me believed that every prior encounter with God was simply my imagination, but part of me felt sad that I might allow such a thought actually enter my mind. Yes, I was very ashamed, but the anger did not pass.
But God. Through his tender Holy Spirit, God reminded me, “My sheep hear my voice, Matthew. Can you hear my voice? I know them, and they follow me. Are you following me?” I ignored this time and time again. Yes, I heard his voice, but I kept pushing it off as my own mind reflecting upon scripture memorization. The voice did not stop. For several weeks, I would randomly hear the same question ring through my mind and heart, “My sheep hear my voice, Matthew. Can you hear my voice? I know them, and they follow me. Follow me, Matthew.”
I have had several conversations with my wife. She also has been loving and patient with me. However, she has also been direct and truthful with me. “You have your eyes on the wrong thing, Matthew. Shift your focus. In comparison to God’s light, the darkness cannot overcome.” She said. “Have you asked God why he does what he does? Have you asked him why he is taking so long? The Holy Spirit wants us to ask those kinds of questions too. Ask God to give you his eyes. Ask God to help you see people the way he sees them.” While talking with my wife about this odd mid-life spiritual crisis, I know she prayed over me and for me.
In my frustration and anger toward the people of this earth, toward the church and toward God, I felt no love in my heart for people in general. I also felt skepticism toward my faith. I felt so angry that so much evil had been able to go on for so long seemingly unpunished. When people say, “God has not returned, because there are so many people who he loves, but they do not know him," I often think to myself, “Yes, but he also allows the earth to keep on going. People are still being born. If this were the final generation, I could understand that thought. But with each new birth, there is another opportunity for people to reject him.” Yes, I know my thoughts may seem blasphemous to some, but I am being honest about how I felt.
I could also go on and on about how furious I have been with the “so called” church. Yes, we are imperfect people, but that does not give us the right to continue living in our sin, or accept our state of sin for that matter! Yes, the scripture says that when sin abounds, grace increases all the more. But this should not be a pretext for remaining where we once were, or remaining where we are! That is a slap in our Savior's face! In condoning sin in our own lives and in the life of the church, we are leading his little ones down a very wide path in the name of grace. Jesus prayed, “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” But unity and love are the least of these in the “so called” church!
In my anger, I cried out to God, “How is the end near? How am I to believe what you have promised when all I see is evil and hate? How am I to trust when the church is not unified in love as you once prayed? Your glory cannot be seen in her! The church is full of sin and full of weak Christians! She is made up of weak people who have distorted your word and your truth for selfish gain and personal motives!”
“Matthew, are you without sin? You do not see, because your faith is weak. You do not hear, because you have covered your ears. You do not trust, because you do not follow me. You do not see, because you have taken your eyes off of me.”
I had prayed for God to help me see. I asked him for his eyes. I had not fully turned away from my skepticism, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to trust. I wanted to see. I wanted to love. I wanted my joy back. I wanted my hope back.
Early Sunday morning, February 10, 2018, the Lord gave me a dream. I was in the Spirit, hovering over a bald white man. He was average looking, but strong in stature. The man was praying, but what I realized was that I too was praying through the man. Our voices were as one; our words were in unison as one. The man’s prayer was for the young men, the youth, of this generation. We were praying as one in voice for the hearts, minds, bodies and souls of the young men of this generation.
The room was full of young men, teenagers and preteen boys. They too were praying for strength in character and Godly wisdom. We pleaded with God that he might raise up a generation belonging to him alone; a generation that might not bend a knee to the prince of this world or eat of his toxic fruit. The room was full of light and the Spirit of the Lord was there with us.
I was then in a moment taken to another room. This room was dark, and on the left and right slept two young women. In the middle was a beautiful middle aged black woman; her dark hair was full and flowing with thick ringlet curls. She was singing a song with all her heart, but what I realized is that the song was my song too. I was singing through her and our voices were one. We sang this song:
“You are my hope, you are my joy.
You are my King of Kings and my Lord of Lords.
You are the truth, you are the way.
You are my hiding place and my saving grace.
You are my hope, you are my joy.
You are the great I am, on this rock I stand.
You are the truth, you are the life.
You are the only way."
As the woman was singing, and I singing through her, the two young girls began to slowly wake up. As if in one accord, the girls began to sing a new song:
“King Jesus, I worship you.
You are my everything.
King Jesus, I sing to you,
both night and day.
King Jesus, I lift you up,
and praise your holy name.
King Jesus I worship you,
you are the great I am.”
That song rang on and on in my mind as I began to wake up. I continued to sing the song in my heart and mind as I woke up, and all the darkness, anger and skepticism melted away. When I woke up, I saw a vision as if painted in bright colors in the dark:
I was on my knees singing this song, looking over a dark valley. I felt so alone, but I continued to sing. As I sang this song, I saw a small light peek over a hill in the distance. I then heard another voice singing in unison with mine. The light grew stronger and began to overpower the sky. Another voice and another voice joined the song in unison as one voice. As the light grew stronger, I saw others all around me; hundreds of thousands of people as far as the eye could see. They too were kneeling before the once dark valley, singing the same song in one voice.
The light became distinct now. It was the shape and appearance of man, but his face was so bright and so glorious, that we could not look directly upon his face. But his hands, we could see his hands. His scar pierced hands were evident now. He was dressed all in white, and his glory filled the entire earth. No darkness could hide from his glory.
As the light grew brighter, the man grew larger. His entire being and all of his radiant glory filled every crevice, every crack and every hiding place. In this vision, I felt no shame, no anger and I remembered nothing of the troubles of this world.
And I was then back in my room, still singing the song:
King Jesus, I worship you.
You are my everything.
King Jesus, I sing to you,
both night and day.
King Jesus, I lift you up,
and praise your holy name.
King Jesus I worship you,
you are the great I am.”
I know the meaning of this dream and vision. God has confirmed its meaning through my wife. I write out this dream and vision that it might be an encouragement to you also. King Jesus has restored his joy and his hope in me. In the mighty radiance of his glorious light, no darkness can prevail.
“You are the truth, you are the life. You are the only way.”
Amen.
You are my King of Kings and my Lord of Lords.
You are the truth, you are the way.
You are my hiding place and my saving grace.
You are my hope, you are my joy.
You are the great I am, on this rock I stand.
You are the truth, you are the life.
You are the only way."
As the woman was singing, and I singing through her, the two young girls began to slowly wake up. As if in one accord, the girls began to sing a new song:
“King Jesus, I worship you.
You are my everything.
King Jesus, I sing to you,
both night and day.
King Jesus, I lift you up,
and praise your holy name.
King Jesus I worship you,
you are the great I am.”
That song rang on and on in my mind as I began to wake up. I continued to sing the song in my heart and mind as I woke up, and all the darkness, anger and skepticism melted away. When I woke up, I saw a vision as if painted in bright colors in the dark:
I was on my knees singing this song, looking over a dark valley. I felt so alone, but I continued to sing. As I sang this song, I saw a small light peek over a hill in the distance. I then heard another voice singing in unison with mine. The light grew stronger and began to overpower the sky. Another voice and another voice joined the song in unison as one voice. As the light grew stronger, I saw others all around me; hundreds of thousands of people as far as the eye could see. They too were kneeling before the once dark valley, singing the same song in one voice.
The light became distinct now. It was the shape and appearance of man, but his face was so bright and so glorious, that we could not look directly upon his face. But his hands, we could see his hands. His scar pierced hands were evident now. He was dressed all in white, and his glory filled the entire earth. No darkness could hide from his glory.
As the light grew brighter, the man grew larger. His entire being and all of his radiant glory filled every crevice, every crack and every hiding place. In this vision, I felt no shame, no anger and I remembered nothing of the troubles of this world.
And I was then back in my room, still singing the song:
King Jesus, I worship you.
You are my everything.
King Jesus, I sing to you,
both night and day.
King Jesus, I lift you up,
and praise your holy name.
King Jesus I worship you,
you are the great I am.”
I know the meaning of this dream and vision. God has confirmed its meaning through my wife. I write out this dream and vision that it might be an encouragement to you also. King Jesus has restored his joy and his hope in me. In the mighty radiance of his glorious light, no darkness can prevail.
“You are the truth, you are the life. You are the only way.”
Amen.
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