I was talking to God today, or more like grumbling, and the Holy Spirit revealed something to me: I don’t typically talk about my struggles outloud. In my weakness, He is able to powerfully reveal His strength, but to reveal His strength puts me in a vulnerable place. The Holy Spirit reminded me that His grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9 NIV). If I never talk about my struggles, I may never be able to touch the life of another or allow Him to demonstrate His power through my weakness.
Let the truth begin. The silence was deafening and I was left without answers. Like a crazy man attempting to find his way back to reality, I kept thinking all kinds of irrational thoughts about my life. I even began to doubt the legitimacy of my sonship in the Kingdom of God. Writing this thought “out loud” makes me feel kind of silly now, or somewhat dramatic. However, I did have these thoughts go through my mind nonetheless. Here I am with this beautiful and most supportive wife, three lovely children, a life full of adventures and blessings, and I...am depressed. I could not figure it out. This depression is why I was so desperately seeking God. This depression is why I so desperately wanted to hear His voice. This depression is what kept eating at me; until today.
This past Saturday evening I decided to begin reading the Old Testament through the lens of Jesus. Like any good Bible student, I went to one of the shortest and easiest books to read, Ruth. Laziness had nothing to do with it, I promise. Well, maybe just a little, but today I recognized the voice of my Shepherd and today I know He guided me there by the Holy Spirit.
From a single seed of faith, born out of hope through loving obedience, the Hope of the world was intertwined with the most unlikely of people. Ruth was a Moabite and a widowed woman in the ancient Middle East. As I researched the kingdom of Moab, I discovered it is said to be located in modern-day Jordan near the Dead Sea. The Moabites were greatly looked down upon by the Israelites, because they did not help Israel after the exodus from Egypt. Moabites also worshiped many gods and were considered to be great sinners. The Book of Ruth depicts the love and commitment between Naomi and Ruth and also shares the beautiful love story of Boaz and Ruth. Faith, hope and love can be seen in every word; redemption overshadows its romance and charm.
As I was grumbling today, the story of Ruth came to mind, but God also revealed to me what was holding me back. As I struggled through these past few weeks, lie after lie kept creeping into my heart. Satan was scheming against me, feeding me destructive thoughts like “if you had only done this” and “if you had only done that”. Satan began to use my weakness against me, saying, “If you had only remained in that position, or not quit that ministry...” and the list continued. He really had fun with me as I allowed his destructive words to eat at my soul. I was also thinking "What do I have to show for all the things I’ve done for God?” and "I really haven’t done anything significant for Him, so what makes me think I’m worthy of sonship?” And other thoughts continued to take hold of my soul, “How many people have you really brought to Christ anyway, Matthew? You’re not worthy of His goodness and grace.” Guilt, guilt and more guilt.
And then the gentle voice of my Shepherd lovingly spoke to my heart, “There is now no condemnation for you, Matthew, for you are in me. Walk by my Holy Spirit and put to death daily the flesh that so easily entangles you. I loved you even before the creation of the world. I made you for my purposes as I formed you in your mother’s womb. Trust me, my son, and allow me to cast Satan far away from you.” I was cut to the heart when the voice of my Shepherd spoke these words of love to me today. The fact of the matter is, I am my own worst enemy at times. When I hear about what others are doing in the Kingdom, I often do look at my own life and feel like I’ve done very little in comparison. I know this is madness, but it is also the honest truth and I struggle with it daily. Even now as I write these words, I strive earnestly to recall the reminder Jesus so freely gives me. Sometimes our struggles will be thrown back at us, but Jesus is always there to guide His sheep away from danger as we listen for His voice.
But Jesus didn’t stop there with me. He also reminded me of His great-grandmother. Ruth is often praised among women today in church conferences and retreats. She is recognized for her steadfast commitment to Naomi, her faithfulness to the spiritual heritage of her new family, and her love for her family and her God. When Ruth made this covenant before God and Naomi, “Your people will be my people and your God, my God.” I doubt she understood what God was hearing and planning through her life because of her great faith, her hope in God and her obedience in love.
Ruth went down in history as one of the great women of the faith. When Ruth made herself nothing by picking up the scraps of grain that fell behind the Israelite women, a place of danger, poverty and social shame, I am almost certain she never thought her name might one day be listed among the Israelite men in the genealogy of Jesus, the Messiah. Ruth, by all accounts, might have also been viewed as being equal to the street dogs by some. Because of her obedient faith, God honored Ruth in a way she never could have imagined; she gave birth to Obed, father of Jesse, who was the father of the Great King David, a man after God’s own heart and through whom came King Jesus, Savior of all mankind.
My children are always trying to gain my attention and affections. They like to draw me pictures, make me special little gifts, and even save up their good behaviour rewards from school to buy my wife and me gifts at each school fair. I recall one time my youngest son was so excited to give me a gift, but when I opened the gift, I’ll never forget the look on his face and what he said next, “Yeah, that gift isn’t very good, I know, but it’s all I could afford. I know you don’t really like things like that.” My son felt like he had failed me in some way; like he had let me down. All I could think about was how proud I was of my son and how much I loved him for thinking of me. He wanted to impress me, but because of his limited resources, he felt his gift was not enough to earn my affections. The truth of the matter is, he is my son. I loved him before he loved me. As the Lord formed him in his mother’s womb, I remember loving him and his siblings beyond measure. I love all three of my children in this exact same way. I would lay my life down for them. There is nothing they could ever say or do that would keep me from loving them. They could stop loving me and turn away from me, but I will never stop loving them nor turn away from them. They are my children, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, my babies.
Like with my son, sometimes we can get caught up in what we can do for God, and in comparison to His mighty and powerful works in our lives, our gifts seem but mere trash at times. We work really hard to gain His affection or to earn His love. All the while, He loved us long before we loved Him. So much so, He sent His Son, Jesus, to leave the mighty splendor of heaven and to put on human flesh. He lived as a man. He died as a man. He was resurrected in all of His splendor and glory, and He did this for both you and me; not because of what we can do for Him, but because of what He chose to do in us.
Like Ruth, we can never know what impact we will make throughout the course of history. Just as Ruth made a covenant before Naomi and God, we are called to make this same covenant before our Savior. Ruth gave what she had; faith, hope and love. She had nothing else to give. She was born into a lowly place, but was raised up by God to a place of honor through her offspring. Jesus can take even the most “botched up” efforts we have to offer Him and will turn it into a masterpiece that will echo through time if we allow Him.
When you’re feeling like you haven’t made a difference in this world, just know that when we try our best, God sees our best and multiplies it beyond anything we could ever hope for or imagine. Let me leave you with these verses out of Romans: “But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use?” (Rom. 9:20-21 NIV)
Remember this: God has made each one of us unique and for His own purposes. We are merely called to walk in His purpose and let Him do the rest. What we do for Him has no bearing on His love for us. When we live committed lives for God, submitting to a life of faith, hope and love as did Ruth, God can take our meager efforts and multiply them beyond our wildest dreams. We may never know how God has used us to impact the lives of those around us, as He did through a simple Moabite woman. The glory belongs to God alone, not to us. Let’s keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. Let’s trust in Him in all we do. May we die to the flesh daily and continuously walk in the power of the Holy Spirit of God. He will conquer. He will overcome. He will be our good Shepherd. He will be our God. He spoke His love upon us before laying the foundations of the earth. Let Him be the one to guide you. Let Him be the Glorified One.
I love you all, be blessed!
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