And He Wept...

Ever since this tragedy took place in our lives, I have had so many inexpressible feelings flood through my mind and heart. The feeling of "wanting" to understand, but feeling as this loved-one was somehow robbed from underneath us. I have struggled with the question "why?" and the feelings of unbelief. Even after receiving the news of her death, watching and helping her sisters and mom prepare her body for the ceremony, reading​ her obituary, standing​ by her graveside, the feelings of disbelief, great sorrow and even anger still remain.

I know I am supposed to rejoice that Jessica is with Jesus, and I do, but acceptance of that fact has been more than difficult for us all. I felt as if God didn't understand our grief-I felt that God was selfish and cold, and I prayed through the night last night, and through the nights to precede this night... I prayed in the spirit, and I asked God to help me see His heart and plan in this. I pleaded with God... I cried out in anger to God!

This morning I picked up Jessica's love letters to her Lord, and God spoke to my heart through flooding my heart and soul with this insight to His heart:

In the biblical account of Lazarus and his resurrection from the dead, we see that even though Jesus would raise Lazarus from the grave through the power of God His Father in Him – He also knew the final result. We see that Jesus loved Lazarus and his sisters. He suffered what they were suffering. Lazarus was referred to as “the one you love, Lord”. We know Jesus lived their grief. His grief from their suffering through separation was so real and his heart of love for this family was so true that “Jesus wept” for this family and their loss.

I am also reminded of the Father’s Heart and how He experienced “man” through His Son Jesus. His Son was so loved by His Father. Jesus knew His Father was in control, and He trusted His Father with every piece of His heart and life. Jesus loved His Father. Jesus walked and talked with the Father. He lived and breathed His Heavenly Father.

I can’t help but know the pain, the anguish and the grief that God, His Father, suffered and agonized as He, in all of His Holy Sovereignty, chose to lift His hand of protection from His Son’s life on that day ordained as His final hours on this earth in order to deliver Him into the hands of man to be crucified on a cross. He turned His head and wept.

In the final pages of Jessica’s letters to her Lord, at least the letters we have found thus far dated Sunday, January 24, 2010, these were some of her final words: “Lord, all I know is that you are in control, and I trust you with every piece of my heart and life. I love you Lord! - Jessica”

God, in all of His Holy Sovereignty, knew everything about His precious daughter, Jessica. He and she communed with one another in the Spirit daily. He knew that very special day in history when she would be born to Bobby and Lisa Evans. From within her mother’s womb He formed her tender body with such perfection, love and a special touch of spirit; He knit her together with power and grace, and placed a purpose within her soul. He also knew well and held near to His heart that very special day when she would be returned to His loving arms. He also suffers greatly as this precious family grieves such a great loss.

He knew that at 9:08pm on December 28, 2010, Jessica LeeAnn Evans would see Him face to face. We cannot fully understand or know His plan. What sorrow and pain, anguish and grief He must have felt as He lifted His hand of protection, notice I say protection, not love. He loves her so… He lifted His hand of protection from her life on that day ordained as her final hours on this earth, just as He did with His Son Jesus that day on the cross. He turned His head, removed His protection and wept in sorrow for the pain we and He would feel – and then as He embraced her in His loving arms, He smiled as He said, “Come, my beloved, your time has come”.

We may never understand why this time, why this hour, but I can imagine He wept for us all, as He felt our grief in this suffering and knew it well in Jesus, His Son. As Jesus was resurrected to HIS Glory, so Jessica, and many who have gone before her and many to go after her, will be resurrected for the Glory of God in these last days-in perfection. She stands at the right hand of the Father surrounded by the great cloud of witnesses; embraced in the arms of Christ Jesus, awaiting those she loved on this earth to join her in the presence of the King. "Come, my beloved, your time has come. Come!"

We, those left behind, grieve much, but the Lord and Jessica rejoice greatly!

Side-Note: Jessica's death has taught me many things... many of which have to be told. I think of legacy, our lives being laid before all to see, and the truth of our life made known... what will I leave behind? Jessica just keeps gifting us with her precious life... one letter, memory, life-changed at a time. I love you dearly, my little sister xo