Matthew's Words

As I reflect upon God today, I am more aware of the fact that I have been a Christian for nearly 22 years now; yet, my spiritual walk might suggest otherwise. My wife and I have been living and serving God in Mexico as missionaries for nearly four years, working with abandoned, abused and orphaned children. We have been through many spiritual, emotional and physical difficulties during this time. I hate to admit it, but one of the most difficult things I have faced during our stay here is the inability to maintain a close walk with my Savior; this is the most important thing a believer can hold near and dear to his heart, but I have neglected this principle and truth. I have fallen to my spiritual knees in agony many times over these past few months, but not truly understanding why God seems to remain silent in my life. It has affected my relationship with my precious wife and children and my ministry in many ways. I am longing to know God fully and completely, and in turn, strengthen those things in my life that are lacking; family, ministry, faith, spiritual walk, effectiveness.

We are approaching the year 2010. In fact as I write this, we will celebrate its arrival in only a few short days. I believe the New Year is a gift from God; a reminder of where He has taken us and has brought us through with a glimpse into the future and a hope that sparks from His eternal mercy. The other night I was talking with my wife about the restlessness that weighs upon my spirit; the need to know “what God is doing” in my life and where He is taking us as a family. She challenged me, or at least that is how I took it, to openly and honestly ask Him, be still, and wait for His response through prayer and the study of His Word. Two wise sayings that truly speak to me are as follows: “The greatest thing a man could ever do is pray;” and “Sometimes God is working not to move His child physically to a new level of position or ministry, but rather move His child to a new spiritual level of faith.” I don't know where these sayings come from, but I have held onto them.

I have decided to set out on a quest; one of the most important journeys one could ever embark upon. I write not for the reader, but for myself. You see, it truly frightens me that I have gone nearly 22 years, in many ways, without completely understanding who God is, where He is, and what He is doing in this world. And this comes from a Bible college graduate and missionary! I know this sounds outrageous, and some might say I am being too hard on myself, but I have all too often assumed these things and have attempted to make God fit me, rather than me fit into who God is. 

It is one thing to "study" God, and a completely different thing to truly and earnestly seek after Him. Don't get me wrong. In many ways, I have followed after Him and sought after His ways and will, yet something has been lacking within me. By the help of the Holy Spirit, I have attempted to do as He has asked me, yet the light of His fire dims within me all too often. I serve in His name and I preach His salvation; yet authority and conviction suffer. I have gone many dry days longing and lacking His insight, His direction, His knowledge and His plan for my life; His control over every aspect of my being. This is not to say that He has not attempted to offer me these things. It is only to say that I have not been fully open or willing and prepared to accept them. I know this to be true in my life, because He has convicted me of it. I long to know God, be where He is and take part in the things that He is doing; not merely attempt to throw the dart and hope it makes the bullseye. I desire to truly and completely be right there where He is.

My desire for 2010 is this: to love more, to learn more, and to set an example for all. The more I discover God, my prayer is that I too might be transformed into His likeness. Thanks to our ministry, Children of Mexico, my wife and I had the honor and blessing to spend a week at a pastoral care and ministry retreat center, Blessing Ranch, in the beautiful State of Colorado this past November. During our stay, we were able to reflect upon our lives, our ministry, and our future. We received the skills to move forward and to see our lives through a much higher standard; God’s standard. We also learned to examine our lives, to trust God, even when He may seem silent, to seek God in the restlessness, to love more, to learn more and to strive to be an influence to both those above and under our care in life.

I am simply going to read His word, and perhaps a few other works in relation to this topic, seek Him earnestly in prayer, and then write down my thoughts and those things God might reveal to me as I walk with Him. I am inviting those of you who feel this burden on your soul and the spiritual urgency to seek God to come alongside me.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." ~Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30 WEB)